Mavis: A Lack of Cool

I probably stopped being cool officially about 6 years ago. I think everyone has a coolness threshold and that at some point, you reach it and after that, there's just no way you're going to be cool ever again. Unless you're this guy...

I can't say for sure whether I was ever cool by anyone's definition other than my own, so I guess a better way of starting this is to say that about six years ago, I stopped doing cool shit. As an adult, you just can't get away with doing cool shit forever. After awhile, someone - inevitably - will give you a sideways look or call the cops and then it's all over.

In 2006, as a 28-year old adult, I got drunk at a Sunday brunch and ended up swimming with 3 other grown-ups in a "water feature" in a garden that I ended up getting married in five years later. I should add that this garden was at my place of employment, so it was extra dangerous. Under the influence of more mimosas and PBR than I can even remember, this seemed very cool. From the outside, however, I'm sure this looked very not cool. But I didn't care. (Coolness is underpinned by not caring about anything.)

This event marked my last hurrah of public coolness. Now I only do cool shit occasionally and always with stipulations - in safe places, among friends, and with enough cash to pay for a cab home if necessary. Either that or a pregnant friend who can DD.

Not all people slide officially into lameness at age 28. Coolness thresholds are fluid and there are many factors that determine when someone will reach their limit - age, occupation, geographical location, personal style, overall attitude, general hipness, knowledge and application of current trends, etc.

For me, all of these factors work against my attempts at coolness. I don't even know why I try anymore. I'm not convinced that I'm trying to be cool as much as coolness in general still interests me. I'm simply not ready to leave the cool party. I'm like the weird, uninvited but highly intoxicated guest at a party who passed out on the couch, doesn't have a ride home, has thrown up and is annoying to probably everyone.

It's sad.

So since my current life factors render me too pathetic to attempt coolness on any sort of grand scale, I try to dip my pinky toe in hipness every now and then and it usually gets me in trouble. I say all of this because the other day I lamely attempted to integrate slang into the workplace. I told my boss to "slow his roll." He looked at me like this:

 Even in these very small moments of attempted coolness, I fail.