Mavis: The Guilt Saddle

Something to ponder: Do you ever feel really guilty about being a jerk when you were younger? If so, what do you do about it? Is there anything that can be done about it?

For instance, maybe you laughed along when someone was getting picked on or perhaps you mistreated an ex. Maybe your name is Mavis and you did both of those things, and probably more.

Unfortunately, we can't all have one of those Billy Madison moments where we place a call years after the fact and then are magically forgiven for a past wrongdoing.

I love Googling pictures from the webs and posting them here. So. Much. Fun.

So what do you do?

I've thought about this and put myself in the place of the person who was wrong-done. I ask myself, if I had an opportunity to be wrong-undid, would I want that? And my answer to myself is always:

"Mavis, you beautiful bitch, everything that happens in this life happens for a reason. And no one can undo anything once it's done. Words may ease the pain of a past hurt but they won't change the outcome, and chances are, bringing it back up will re-open a wound that has healed considerably since you inflicted it. So get over yourself."

... or something along those lines. Which pretty much gets me out of ever having to consider apologizing to anyone. Which might make me feel better if I was a sociopath, but sadly, I'm not. Moving on.

I'm not looking for am AA sort of system of asking people for forgiveness/acceptance, etc. I don't need a verbal confirmation that it's "all good." Chances are if I'm even having this conversation with someone, it's not good at all. 

So in the end what I am selfishly searching for is a way to not feel so terrible about the really crappy things I did to a few people, that I no longer speak to, a long time ago. None of these offenses are truly awful, yet they weigh on my conscience. 

I suspect that maybe I carry guilt longer than most people. I don't exactly have this conversation with people everyday so I don't know what's considered a normal guilt sentence for an otherwise standard, 30-something woman. Is 10 years too long...? Not long enough?

Regardless, I feel like I've been wearing this guilt saddle for far too long and I'm ready to move on.